5 Things I've Learned From Playing DnD With Middle Schoolers

If you’d told me in 2019 that I’d spend 2020 hosting Dungeons & Dragons groups for middle schoolers, I would have been…very surprised, to say the least. But 2020 was a weird year! As the pandemic and quarantine moved our social lives online, my therapy practice moved online, too. Dungeons & Dragons Tween Social Groups are a big part of my practice now—and, honestly, a highlight of my week.

When I first moved to North Carolina from New York, I joined a “DnD” group on a whim as a way to make friends. I learned that DnD is perfect for this: it’s an easy, low-stress way to socialize, especially if you are someone who doesn’t love small talk. There’s enough structure to the game that you aren’t left staring at someone, wondering what to say next. It’s creative, a little goofy, and sometimes surprisingly heartfelt. Because you are playing as a character, it’s hard to feel like you’re making a fool of yourself: any mistakes are the character’s fault, not yours.

When quarantine started, I realized that so many of the tweens I knew could use a structured, creative outlet like DnD to help them feel connected while social distancing. It’s been so fun to watch kids who have never played before take to the game easily, and use it as a way to support each other through a tough time.

Playing DnD with middle schoolers has taught me a lot about the game, the value of online friendships, and it’s even debunked some myths about middle school. Here’s what I’ve learned after 6 months of DnD with tweens.

“Mean Girls” Are a Myth

I have to admit that as a tween therapist I have perpetuated the myth of the “Mean Girl” many times. I grew up with the movie, and I remember how miserable 6th grade was for many of us. You couldn’t pay me to go back to 6th grade! While it’s true that middle school friendships can be filled with drama, there’s nothing inherently “mean” about girls this age. In fact, middle school girls really want to support each other.

It can be hard to be kind and supportive 100% of the time in a stressful school environment, where everyone is competing with each other and you’re worried about grabbing a spot at the “good” lunch table. In our groups, though, players know they are working toward a common goal: they’re here to make friends, and they take that responsibility seriously.

Far from “mean girls”, tween girls are some of the most welcoming and inclusive people I know. We’ve had girls from all walks of life join these groups, and their differences have not just been accepted, but celebrated. When they are set up for success, middle schoolers are an accepting bunch. Adults could learn a thing or two from watching them play.

Having Fun is Good Therapy

It’s easy to get hung up on the serious side of therapy—making sure you are working in a way that’s effective, and backed by solid research. I can geek out on this stuff all day: I love approaches like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy that use scientifically proven techniques to help kids cope with anxiety and trauma.

Creativity, joy, and fun are as important for our mental health as any coping skill. In fact, it’s pretty hard to do any kind of therapy with kids if it’s not fun. Children learn through play. We can talk about social skills until I’m blue in the face, but talking will never be as effective for learning as playing is.

For kids who are struggling with depression, fun may be just what the doctor ordered. Depression is caused not just by the presence of bad things in life, but an absence of good things. We all need opportunities to learn new skills, flex our creative muscles, and just plain enjoy life. We call these opportunities “positively reinforcing activities” in therapy, because they leave us with a sense of accomplishment or fulfillment.

In quarantine, kids are getting fewer positively reinforcing activities than they should. DnD is an opportunity to be playful, make a terrible pun or inside joke reference, and generally act like a goofball for 90 minutes with a circle of friends. That’s good therapy in and of itself.

“Online” Doesn’t Have to Mean “Impersonal”

I worried a little about getting girls together across multiple states for these groups. They’d never met in person: heck, I had not met a lot of them in person. How would the group gel, having only met online? I think adults from my generation (elder millennials) and up still think of online hangouts as being more distant and removed from the real thing.

Gen Z doesn’t have the same feelings about online friendships. They’re digital natives; video chatting is just a part of daily life. It was a little humbling the first time a tween girl taught me something about how to use the Zoom platform, but I’ve embraced it now. Having structure to follow and a clear reason for meeting together online helps the sessions feel very personal and “real”.

…In Fact, It Can Help Anxious Kids Connect

Online school has been a dream come true for some of my tween clients with social anxiety. At last, they can learn without feeling like all eyes are on them! While I want my anxious clients to learn how to face their fears and handle face-to-face school with confidence, online hangouts are a great way to practice socializing with less fear.

Meeting online means we can gradually ease anxious kids into socializing without feeling put on the spot. Not ready to turn your camera on? That’s okay, this isn’t school. Nervous about talking on mic because your voice is shaky? No problem, lean on the chat function until you’re feeling more comfortable. While I always want players participating as fully as possible, tech gives us an option to turn down the intensity while new players build up confidence.

You’re Not Alone (Even If It Feels Like You Are)

At least once a week, a tween client tells me through tears that they feel totally alone. Nobody likes the stuff they do, nobody listens to their music or watches their favorite anime. Everybody has already found their clique, and nobody’s looking for new friends. It’s terrible to feel like you’re missing out, and even worse to feel like you’re the only person who is so isolated.

If these groups have taught me anything, it’s that you’re never alone. There’s somebody out there who is passionate about the same things you are. Somewhere, somebody is staring at their phone, too, wishing it would light up. In fact, there are probably multiple somebodies, and they’re probably closer to you than you think. Kids who attend the same schools or who live in the same towns have “discovered” each other through DnD groups, never knowing they had so much in common.

This has to be true for adults, too, right? Online groups mean that we can all find the people who like the same weird, goofy stuff we do—even something as weird and goofy as DnD.

Interested In DnD For Your Tween?

I’ve got you covered! As I write this, we’re about to embark on a new group adventure, and we have additional 6-week sessions starting periodically. We have groups available specifically for middle school girls, as well as groups that are open to all genders. Games are currently open to kids in New York, North Carolina, and Florida.

You can learn more about the groups I currently offer, fees, and other FAQs on my Dungeons & Dragons Therapy page. If you’d like to chat more or ask about enrolling your child, email me here.

Looking for something a little different? Consider joining us at Young Dragonslayers, which uses D&D for fun and friendship-building rather than counseling. These games are not facilitated by therapists, and are open to kids in all 50 states.

Online Social Groups for Kids Can Help Beat the Pandemic Blues

2020 is a weird year for pretty much everyone, but it might be especially tough for kids. Children need to be around other children in order to grow and learn, and the pandemic has made this hard to do. Preteens and teens, who are in a developmental stage where friendships become central to life, might be hit especially hard by social distancing. If your child is struggling with depression or loneliness, online social groups can be a great way to reconnect with old friends or meet new people. Here are a few things to consider if your child is considering joining a group!

The Benefits of Online Groups for Kids

If you’ve noticed signs of depression or anxiety in your child, your first thought might be to seek out a counselor. One-on-one therapy can be a great option for many kids, giving them new coping skills and a chance to work through their feelings with an adult who isn’t a friend or family member. However, if a child is feeling lonely or struggling socially, there are some things that individual therapy just can’t provide as well as a group.

Any time a child has the opportunity to socialize with peers, it benefits her emotional wellbeing. Here are a few ways that extracurriculars, clubs, and online group classes of any kind can benefit kids’ social and emotional growth:

• Group activities give kids a real-life opportunity to practice social skills like turn-taking, compromise, and starting and maintaining conversations.

• Learning and mastering a new activity helps kids feel more confident and boosts self-esteem.

• Group activities provide a chance to meet like-minded kids who might become good friends.

• Socializing with others can help treat and prevent depression.

The Benefits of Therapy Groups for Kids

In addition to the benefits listed above, therapy groups have a few extra perks that can make them particularly effective for kids struggling with anxiety, depression, or social skills difficulties:

• Being in a therapy group helps kids realize they are not alone with their feelings: they’re in a room with other kids who share their experience and get what it’s like.

• Children in therapy groups have the opportunity to help and support each other, which is empowering.

• Being in a group more closely mimics the “real world” experiences kids are likely to have once they leave the therapy office: if they can use their coping skills in group, they can use them outside of group, too!

Small Online Classes Encourage Kids’ Interests

No matter what your child’s interest, there’s probably a group out there to learn about it. Outschool offers small group online classes for kids on pretty much every subject under the sun, from video game design to cupcake baking to how to draw Baby Yoda. I find that smaller groups tend to feel less awkward for kids (and adults!) than big ones, which might make it easier to socialize in classes like Outschool’s. Class lengths vary, too, from multi-week courses to one-off classes, so it’s not a big commitment to give it a try.

Online Communities Connect Tweens and Teens (Without Roblox or TikTok)

While not exactly a group activity, kid-friendly online communities can be valuable for preteens and teens because they’re budget-friendly and available 24/7. If you’re looking for an alternative to social media or the typical Minecraft and Roblox fare, check out this awesome list of age-appropriate online communities from Commonsense.org. I’m particularly intrigued by the Harry Potter Alliance, an online club for kids that uses the Harry Potter series to encourage social activism. Am I too old to join?!

Online Gaming Groups Help Children Practice Social Skills

Often, kids who are struggling to make or keep friendships could benefit from brushing up on their social skills: things like how to keep conversations going, deal with conflict, and speak up for themselves assertively. But what kid really wants to go to a place where they feel like their social awkwardness is under a microscope? Not only is learning social skills through play less uncomfortable for kids, it’s also likely to be more effective: role playing conversations with an adult is never going to be exactly the same as talking to another kid.

Game-based groups offer kids an opportunity to socialize and practice skills in a low-pressure environment, and these types of groups often translate easily into online sessions. I am currently running Dungeons & Dragons-based therapy groups for kids in my own practice, and I’ve found that the game gives kids some structure that makes getting to know each other online feel less awkward, while still giving plenty of opportunities to be creative.

Need More Help Finding an Online Social Group?

The resources I’ve listed here are available to kids throughout the US, but ongoing social distancing means local opportunities are likely popping up in your community, as well. Many dance, art, and music studios are offering distant group learning options for kids, and your local library may be able to give you information about other nearby programs. Older kids might be interested in online foreign language classes offered by local chapters of language and culture societies like the Alliance Française, which are often available online and reasonably priced.

If you’re local to North Carolina, New York, or Florida, my D&D therapy groups might be a good option. Not local to one of these states? Consider my sister site, Young Dragonslayers, where we run non-therapeutic D&D groups for kids focused on friendship-building and fun. I also offer an online coping skills class for tweens, which can help your child learn to manage worries from home.

If you’d like more information on these online social groups or other counseling services, you are always welcome to contact me.

Would Your Child Be a Good Fit for Dungeons & Dragons Group Therapy?

Have you ever wondered what help is available for kids outside of individual talk therapy? Social distancing has made many of us acutely aware of how important it is for kids to be around other kids. If you’re trying to find ways for your child to stay connected to peers during another few months (or more!) of online school, I want to introduce you to a quirky new kind of therapy you may not have heard of before. In this post, I’ll be sharing a little about how Dungeons & Dragons can be used in therapy groups, and how to tell if this approach could be a good fit for your child.

What Happens in a Dungeons & Dragons Group?

Dungeons and Dragons is a little bit like a choose your own adventure book come to life. Each player in D&D creates a character with their own unique strengths, weaknesses, and magical powers. These characters work together to navigate a fantasy world, solve problems, and generally get up to mischief and adventure.

Rather than following a pre-set story or rules, D&D players are making up their own story as they go. They’re helped in this by a “Dungeon Master”, who acts like a referee and emcee in the game. The dungeon master sets the scene for the players, gives them problems to solve, and helps them to build a magical world. A roll of the dice determines how successful the player is at whatever they’re trying to do, which adds an element of surprise to the game.

Dungeons and Dragons is collaborative, not competitive, and it requires tons of creative problem solving. This makes it a great fit for therapy groups, and therapists around the country have started incorporating D&D into group therapy sessions with kids and adults. Dungeons and Dragons is a great way to meet new people, practice communication and teamwork, and experience the satisfaction that comes from learning a new skill.

Is Dungeons & Dragons OK for Kids?

The name “Dungeons and Dragons” sounds a little…sinister. It conjures up images of a game that is heavy on gore and may not be suitable for children. If this is the reaction you had when you first heard about D&D, you aren’t alone! Just like rap music and video games, there was some controversy in the 80s about whether D&D was too violent for kids.

Name aside, there is nothing inherently age-inappropriate about D&D for kids. The game is all about imaginative play, and it doesn’t even have to include dungeons or dragons: stories have been set in all sorts of cool, child-friendly fantasy worlds, from outer space to fairy forests to fantasy worlds inspired by Studio Ghibli movies. Because the game is fully customizable, it’s up to every group to decide what content is okay and what is not, and how to handle violence.

Today, we know that there are many ways in which role-playing games like D&D support child development. Game play requires both math and reading skills, encourages teamwork and turn-taking, and gets kids see the world through someone perspective, which helps to develop empathy. Dungeons and Dragons promotes all sorts of positive social skills that kids can apply not just to the game, but to their day-to-day lives.

Who Is a Good Fit for Dungeons and Dragons Groups?

So, what kind of kid might enjoy playing D&D? Is it only for children who already really into nerd culture? Is it better for extroverts or introverts? What about kids who have never played the game before—could they figure it out in a group setting?

Personally, when I started playing D&D, I was not very familiar with anime, video games, or any other aspect of “nerd culture.” I had also never played the game before, and the rules seemed a little intimidating at first. Now that I’ve played the game for a while, I think the only skills you really need to be a great D&D player are imagination, creativity, and a willingness to play.

Here are a few signs or traits that your child might be an excellent fit for a Dungeons & Dragons therapy group:

• Your child loves getting lost in fantasy worlds like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars

• Your child is a “theater kid” who enjoys acting or performing

• …or, on the flip side, your child is shy and would love to make new friends, but isn’t sure how to reach out to new people

• Your child is imaginative and was always great at pretend play

• Your child would like an opportunity to practice teamwork, verbal communication, and taking turns

• You think your child could use the self-esteem boost that comes from mastering and succeeding at a new activity

Both extroverts and introverts can excel at Dungeons & Dragons, as long as they are willing to step a bit outside of their comfort zone to play around with new friends.

How Old Do Kids Need to Be to Play Dungeons and Dragons?

I usually see 12 being recommended as the ideal age to start playing D&D. The rules can be a little complicated, and kids need to be able to think abstractly in order to enjoy playing the game. In my own D&D group, I work with middle school aged kids from ages 11-14.

The right age to start playing depends a lot on your individual child. If your elementary school-aged kid has been playing other tabletop games for years and is a fantasy story fan, she may be ready to dive into D&D. It’s also possible to simplify the rules of D&D to accommodate younger players, which can be a fun option for families with mixed-age kids who would like to play the game together.

More Information on Dungeons & Dragons Therapy Groups for Children

Still want to know more? Check out Geek & Sundry’s helpful article about D&D therapy, which focuses on how the game can be useful for kids with social anxiety.

You can also check out my earlier blog post on the mental health benefits of D&D.

If you’re looking for a D&D therapy group for your child, I offer a D&D social support group for middle school kids. If you’re more interested in plain old D&D, check out Young Dragonslayers, where my colleagues run positive, supportive online games for tweens and teens.

If you have any questions or you’d like to learn more about counseling, you are always welcome to contact me.

Dungeons and Dragons as Therapy? How This Popular Game Helps Mental Health

During quarantine, many of us have been looking for activities to fill our stay-at-home time that feel more rewarding and productive than endless Netflix streaming. Many people are craving an escape from real-life stress and looking for ways to connect with friends that feel more personal than texting. Maybe it’s not surprising, then, that Dungeons and Dragons is experiencing a revival during the pandemic.

Although it may seem surprising at first, it makes sense that people are turning to D&D during stressful times. Dungeons and Dragons and other roleplaying games are increasingly popular tools in group therapy can help players improve their emotional and social well-being. In this post I’ll unpack how D&D is used in group therapy, and why it can be a benefit for mental health.

What Is Dungeons and Dragons?

Dungeons and Dragons, also known as D&D, is the most popular tabletop roleplaying game on the planet. It was invented by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson in 1974, so it’s been around for a while and has built up a large following of devoted players. Players in D&D take on the role of a character in a fantasy world, and they collaborate with other players to pursue a goal, collect treasure, or defeat bad guys. Unlike most other games, there is no set path to take, and characters don’t just progress along spaces on a board. What makes D&D and other roleplaying games unique is that the players improvise to create a story together, and their choices affect what happens next.

The game is facilitated by a lead player, called the Dungeon Master, who describes situations for the players and asks them how they’d like to proceed. Then, it’s up to the players to decide how their character would act in a given situation. To add an element of chance to the game, players then have to roll a die to see how well their plan works. It’s not competitive, and there are no winners or losers: everyone works together toward a common goal. This can lead to surprising, funny, and even touching moments during game play that could never have been planed in advance.

Why is D&D Having a Moment Right Now?

Although D&D has always been popular in geek culture, it’s enjoying a moment right now due to the popularity of Netflix’s hit show, Stranger Things. Although the show is set in the 80s, the teen characters’ obsession with D&D has piqued the interest of 2020’s kids. Although it isn’t D&D specific, TV shows like Game of Thrones have also made fantasy stories cool, and helped to bring previously “nerdy” interests into the mainstream. Finally, podcasts like The Adventure Zone and Critical Role are bringing younger, more diverse people into a game that might have formerly been associated with older guys playing in a basement. Thanks to pop culture, D&D is cool again, and being played by more young people than ever.

What Are the Mental Health Benefits of D&D?

Play of all kinds has mental health benefits—it’s why play therapy has been used to help kids since the days of Freud, back when psychology was a new and emerging field. Play helps us to assimilate information we’ve learned, test new ways of behaving before using them in real life, hone our social skills, and boost our creative problem-solving abilities.

Although we might think of play as something reserved for little kids, the truth is that older children, teens, and even adults benefit from having playful experiences in life. Unfortunately, the older we get, the harder it is to find socially acceptable ways to play. D&D is an awesome, age-appropriate way for older kids and adults to recapture that playful childhood feeling and reap some of the same benefits that play has for younger kids.

Some of the possible mental health benefits of D&D are:

• Improved social skills with peers

• Increased self-esteem and self-confidence

• Ability to express yourself and your needs assertively

• Improved impulse control and practice with turn-taking

• Stronger creative thinking and problem-solving skills

What Makes D&D Work So Well in Therapy?

Although there are plenty of games in the world that aren’t just designed for little kids, D&D has a few unique characteristics that sets it apart from the rest when it comes to improving mental well-being. Here are a few reasons why D&D is so great when used in therapy:

• D&D is collaborative. Rather than competing against each other, players must find a way to get along and work together.

• Playing as a character who is different from yourself allows you to literally see the world through someone else’s eyes, which can build empathy.

• Because the game is based in role-playing, it’s a great way to try out new ways of interacting with other people in a low-stakes, fun environment.

• Playing the game tends to help people bond and build friendships. D&D provides a structured way to get to know new people that might feel less awkward than making small talk with a stranger.

• D&D players have almost unlimited creative freedom, which can be liberating. Do you want to be a 1,000 year old elf sorcerer with purple hair and a pet mongoose? You can do it in D&D.

How Does a D&D Therapy Session Work?

Usually, D&D therapy is group therapy: you need a team of at least 3 or 4 people to get the game going. Unlike other forms of group therapy, D&D groups tend to be pretty intimate, which makes it easier for players to get to know each other. It’s most common for therapy groups to meet on a weekly basis, but this can vary.

Typically, groups begin with a check-in for participants to talk out of character and connect with each other. This is a great time to share about how the week has gone, and share anything that has happened that might be relevant to the group’s goals. Once everyone is settled in, the actual game-play portion of the session begins, facilitated by at least one therapist who can keep an eye on everyone’s progress and make sure that everyone is having fun. After playing, the group ends with a wrap-up conversation, which can be a great time to connect what is happening in the game to the particular goals of the therapy group.

The actual time spent playing D&D can vary a lot: based on the age and attention span of the players, a session could be as short as 1 hour or as long as several hours! It’s safe to assume that most therapy groups will be on the shorter side.

More Info On D&D As Therapy

For more info on the mental health benefits of D&D, check out one of the following resources. Geek and Sundry has an awesome, in-depth look at how D&D can help kids with social anxiety get excited about going to group therapy. If you’re more of a video person, check out this interview with a D&D therapist to hear more about her work.

If you’re local to North Carolina, New York, or Florida, I may be able to help you get started with D&D Therapy! I co-facilitate a few groups for middle and high school students, and they’re a highlight of my week.

If you’re not looking for therapy, but interested in the social-emotional benefits of roleplaying, check out Young Dragonslayers, where my geeky colleagues offer online friendship-building D&D games for kids all over the U.S.