It’s 9pm. The homework is done, the dishes are washed, and your kiddo is bathed and tucked into bed. Stories have been read! Cuddles have been given! You’ve made it to the end of the day! Time for a celebratory Netflix episode, or a chapter in that book you keep telling yourself you’re going to finish…and then you hear the pitter patter of little feet in the hallway, and your door creaks open.
Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you are not alone! In this post, I’ll be sharing suggestions to help a child who can’t sleep through the night.
When Your Child Can’t Sleep Alone, Bedtime Becomes a Problem
Insomnia is one of the most common concerns I hear about in my child therapy office. This can mean a child is having trouble going to bed, falling asleep, or staying asleep. Sometimes, a child is able to fall asleep with no problem—as long as a parent stays in the room all night long.
Insomnia is a frequent complaint for both kids and adults, but children’s sleep problems can be especially tough on a family. When a child isn’t sleeping well, it weighs on everybody in the household. Not only is the child not getting enough sleep to function, but parents and siblings may also be getting their rest interrupted by the child’s frequent waking,. This maked things harder for everyone the following morning.
The Insomnia Vicious Cycle
Many of us will have trouble sleeping at some point in life, especially when we’re stressed. Sometimes, a child’s sleepless nights resolve by themselves once the stress is gone. For other children, sleep problems are not so easily solved. The insomnia can go on for weeks, months, or longer.
Sleep is important to a child’s emotional well-being, children who have trouble sleeping for prolonged periods often enter a vicious cycle. The lack of sleep leads to increased anxiety and difficulty concentrating, which in turn makes it even harder to sleep the following night. With help from parents, and sometimes with extra support from a child counselor, children and families can break this cycle, and help everyone to get a better night’s sleep.
Sleeping Through The Night Helps Children’s Physical and Mental Growth
Good quality sleep is especially important children who are still growing. It has a direct impact on their ability to grow physically, mentally and emotionally. During sleep, kids release growth hormones that they need to develop and mature. Sleep is also critical for learning. It helps children to retain and store information they’ve learned, and makes them more able to focus and learn at school the next day.
Sleep is really important for kids’ emotional health, too. Sleep problems can contribute to anxiety, depression, and ADHD. In fact, poor sleep can even trigger emotional problems, and make it more difficult for people to cope. Studies have shown that disturbed sleep can lead to symptoms of depression, and that depressed people who aren’t sleeping well are less likely to respond to treatment than those who are getting a good night’s rest.
How Much Sleep Do Kids Need Each Night?
More than you might think! No two kids are exactly alike, and different kids may be able to get by with different amounts of sleep. The National Sleep Foundation has set guidelines to help make sure your child’s sleep time is in the right ballpark.
For toddlers between ages 1 and 2, the Foundation recommends 11-14 hours of sleep per day, which usually includes a daytime nap. Preschoolers (age 3 to 5) generally need 10-13 hours a day, and may still nap.
By elementary and middle school (age 6 to 13), it is recommended that children sleep between 9 and 11 hours a night. You know your child’s rhythms best. Helping him to establish a healthy sleep schedule within these guidelines will ensure that he’s getting the rest he needs to grow, both physically and emotionally.
What Causes Childhood Insomnia and Sleep Problems?
Many children have difficulty falling or staying asleep at some time in their lives—this is a really typical problem! Here are a few common reasons children can’t (or won’t) sleep through the night:
Anxiety: Many children appear nervous or downright fearful as bedtime approaches. Separation anxiety, a fear of being away from parents or loved ones, is common in younger children. It can sometimes manifest as reluctance to go to bed, a fear of being alone, or a fear that something bad will happen if the child is out of sight of the parent.
Other forms of anxiety, like generalized anxiety and OCD, can also make it harder for children to sleep. If a child seems nervous or afraid at bedtime, is bothered by lots of worries at night, or needs to complete a long or elaborate bedtime ritual in order to feel comfortable going to bed, anxiety might the source of their difficulties.
Media: Kids often have vivid imaginations, which is a great strength. Sometimes, though, a very active imagination can make children more prone to sleep problems. For children with rich fantasy lives, the lines between reality and pretend are easily blurred. These kids may be more sensitive to the effects of scary movies, violent video games, and stories shared by children at school. Their fears of scary characters may last long after the movie ends, and often intensify at bedtime.
Behavioral Causes: Sometimes, without meaning to, children and parents fall into a nightly routine that has to be repeated in order for the child to feel ready to sleep. For example, a child whose mother lies in bed each night until she falls asleep may start to link mom’s presence in bed to the idea of sleep, and soon this becomes a requirement for bedtime every night. Once the child has unconsciously connected this behavior with falling asleep, she won’t be able to drift off until it’s been done.
Physical Causes: Just like adults, some kids are naturally night owls while others are morning people, and this can impact sleep habits. According to this article from Today’s Parent, a small minority of children with sleep problems may have an underlying medical reason, such as sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome. If sleep problems persist for a long time, or you notice any physical symptoms such as difficulty breathing, it’s a good idea to schedule a checkup with your pediatrician to rule these conditions out.
Trauma: Rarely, a traumatic event can be the cause of disturbed sleep. Children who have experienced a trauma often become fearful at bedtime, have trouble falling asleep, and are bothered by night terrors or other bad dreams that may or may not have anything to do with what they’ve experienced. If the sleep problems are accompanied by other symptoms, such as bedwetting, tantrums, or anxiety, trauma should be ruled out as a possible cause. You can read more about the impact of trauma on children here.
How Can I Help My Child Sleep Better at Night?
Sleep problems take time to develop, and so they also take some time and patience to resolve. Anxious children benefit from a bedtime routine that is consistent, predictable, and includes opportunities to soothe and relax before bed. Creating a visual chart of the bedtime routine can also be a good way to help kids shift gears and get ready for sleep.
For imaginative children with fears about monsters or other “bad guys”, it can be a big help to talk about the difference between “real” and “pretend” and offer reassurance that scary events from TV will not happen in real life. Some children are also very motivated by reward charts. Children may “buy in” to the idea of sleeping alone more readily if they are able to set a goal for themselves to sleep independently for a certain number of nights in order to earn a prize.
If you have tried these tips and your child still can’t unwind at bedtime, she may need more effective coping skills. My coping skills course for kids helps kids and tweens learn how to relax their body, manage panic attacks, and learn how to deal with unrealistic worries that aren’t likely to ever happen (like that monster showing up in the night).
Begin Therapy for Kids With Insomnia in Davidson, North Carolina
Sleep problems can be exhausting for all involved, but patience and persistence can often turn even the most nocturnal of night owls into a more peaceful sleeper. However, some kids need more than a few coping skills and a consistent routine to resolve long-standing sleep issues. If you’ve been trying tips like the ones in this post for a while with no luck, counseling can help.
Therapy can help your child work through any underlying worries, and increase her sense of felt safety so she can sleep more soundly. I use cognitive behavioral therapy to help kids with bedtime anxiety at my Davidson, North Carolina child therapy office. If you aren’t local, I see kids online throughout North Carolina, as well as in New York and Florida. I also have an educational class called Worry Free Tweens, which can teach coping skills to kids regardless of where you live.
Interested in therapy? You can contact me to request an appointment or get more information.
